Don't Make Me Over

For half a day I was excited to know that a part of my past was now living in Jacksonville. We found each other by accident online and after 14 years, I was a bit nervous about seeing him again. I can't lie, my mind ventured off into memory land and I thought about the nights we used to spend together. The things he taught me have blessed a few brothers. He introduced me to orgasm, ecstacy and elation. I knew nothing about sex until I met him. Suffice it to say, at one time,he had my nose wide open. We talked for three hours initially and caught up with one another's lives. In some ways, more than I cared to admit, he was still the same. Had he always been so shallow and self-absorbed? I noticed that I couldn't really get a word in edgewise as he rambled on and on about his favorite person, himself. I was barely 21 when I met him and I hate to even admit that I was so naive. The Bridgette he knew was wild and untamed, had no direction in life and lived in and for the club. That's where we met and honestly, it was my short skirts, coke bottle shape and my big butt and a smile that caught his attention. Not my intelligence. Not my inner being. I can't fault him. That's not what I showed him. But as I sat with him yesterday for lunch, it hit me like a ton of bricks just how much I have evolved and grown in the 14 years since we parted company. A body builder fulltime, he is fit, even for his 39 years. He rambled on endlessly about his competitions, awards and blah, blah, blah. And I guess he thought he was doing me a favor by reminding me of how fine I WAS. EXCUSE ME???? "I'm still fine," I told him. "I could be your personal trainer," he said. No, thank you. I'm straight. I have no desire for someone to make me over. I am alright with me. Too bad for him that he still can't see the real me. He dropped me off at work after our lunch and asked me to come see him later. I wouldn't dare. It was clear to me that yeah, he could sculpt me into his image of perfect. But as soon as he got me there, he would find something else that needed to be fixed. I thought I'd share my email to him.


-----Original Message-----
From: Bridgette Hogan [mailto:bhogan@cppcjax.org]
Sent: Tuesday, August 02, 2005 2:34 PM
To: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Subject: Today



XXXX,

It was nice sharing a meal with you today and catching up with you.
Right now I am experiencing a wide range of emotions. A bit of
nostalgia, if you will. You remind me of a time when I was lost and
had no direction. You make me remember how very little I thought of
myself. And how despite the fact that my body was tight, my mind was in
disarray. I like me much better now. No, my stomach is not as flat
and I have gained a couple of pounds, but I am much happier with who I am
and I don't like feeling like you made me feel today. Like right now,
this very minute, I'm not okay. We are different. Our thought patterns are
the same, but what we place value on differs drastically. It has taken
me a long time to learn how to like myself. I spent so many years
feeling like I wasn't pretty or valuable. Like the only way I could
receive validation was through the stamp of approval of others. Living
that way left me wounded and it took me years to heal. I am not there
anymore and even though I recognize that I could make some changes here
and there; I am so alright with me. I guess I am writing this to you
because I got in your truck feeling glad to be me, proud of who I am,
happy to have connected to a part of my past. But I got out feeling as
if I weren't good enough and I like I needed to re-evaluate and re-do
me. I guess that’s why I told you I wouldn't be coming to visit you.
You want me to be like I was, but I can't. Even if I lost 20 pounds, I
will never be her again. Who needs to be reminded of a past you want
to forget? You like reliving those moments. But I don't. Because even
though I was fine, I wasn't fine. I allowed men to walk all over me
and all they were drawn to was a small waist and a big ass and I didn't
have sense enough to stand up for myself and say "hey, there is more to me
than that." I am just venting here. I needed to let you know how I
felt. Thanks for lunch today.

Bridgette Hogan
Administrative Assistant
The Community Partnership for
the Protection of Children



Sign my Guestbook!

Read my Guestbook!