Yesterday was his birthday. I won't mention his name. But I'm vexed because as much as I want to be over him, I still wanted to wish him a happy birthday. Too proud to call, I chose to email him a greeting. There were so many to choose from, but I chose this really sappy one. I played it two times before I would even personalize it. I couldn't help but laugh because none of it was even true. The irony was too great to resist. It told of a mutual love, complete with wonderful memories and special gifts. It would have been perfect, if he were someone to me and I was someone to him. In fact it was so sappy that I know when he opened it he was like "what the f???" I deliberately sent him a card that said more than I ever could; and if he has any common sense, he will read between the lines to what I am really saying. Like "damn nigga, happy birthday, but how come you ain't never spent a birthday with me, if you loved me?" Or, "damn nigga, how come it's been five years and I still have to remind you when mine is, even though it come the same damn time every year?" The card was like the nail in the coffin for me. There was never a relationship. He was my imaginary friend and even though it was very real for me, I was all alone in my thoughts and alone in my love. Am I the only sista that this has ever happened to? I have been trying to reconcile my emotions; in search of some kind of solution to the condition of hard heartedness that I came down with shortly after my eyes were opened. It's hard for a brother 'round this camp. I ain't in the mood to give love and oddly enough I ain't trying to receive it either. Playing it safe....watching the game from the sidelines.
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