Today I came face to face with my ugly. I spend so much time self evaluating, I am almost ashamed to write this. But I have to be true to the reason I am writing this blog in the first place. No point in searching for me if I can’t be honest, right? A guy I used to work with stopped by my house today. I have gone out with him a couple of times, but never really saw him as someone I could seriously date. I’m crazy like that at times. There is nothing wrong with this guy. I just met him at the wrong time. He wants my heart, but I can’t give it to him because I don’t actually have it right now. Pieces of it are still in Mike’s pocket. Mental note: I need to get those back. Instead of sitting in Lee’s face listening to his conversation like a good host would have, I was rude and continued to do the chores that I was doing before he dropped by my house unannounced. I actually hate that. Someone coming to my house without calling me first is the ultimate no no. I gave him all of my back and part of my attention as he rambled on about this and that. Blah, blah, blah. He finished his masters degree, got a new job, moved into a townhouse. I caught some of it. Then he started in on me. Why didn’t I call him? He had left messages, but I had erased them. I told you I didn’t consider him seriously. I began to feel bad about how I had been dodging him. Hide and seek. There wasn’t anything wrong with him, it was me. I say with my mouth that I want love. But when it comes my way I hide from it. At times, it lingers in my mind as a fleeting thought. But it doesn’t stay long enough to unpack its bag. I guess I don’t make it very welcome so it soon hits the road. I have so many doubts and so many fears. The scars from past relationships still have yet to heal. “We could have been married by now.” His statement caught me off guard. But I quickly retorted with, “You’re too young for me.” I know its weak, but that was the only thing I could come up with. The age difference is something easily overcome. My soul almost wants to shout, “Come out, come out wherever you are,” to the love that is hiding. It is standing right before me. But the thick armor that surrounds my heart blocks out light and sound. It can’t hear and it can’t see. I can be so ugly. I could at least give him a fair shot. There is a part of me that is missing being in love. I can taste the memory sometimes, remembering the satisfaction I felt when I cooked my man his favorite meal and he was pleased. Massaging feet and watching ballgames and Blockbuster videos. Falling asleep with my head on his chest on a rainy day when the house is still. I must do something about this game I am playing with myself. I have grown tired…..Ollie, Ollie oxen free!!!!
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