My Pastor opened my eyes today and made me see that the reasons we do some of the things we do that are detrimental to our well-being is because of voids that we have within ourselves. I have been contemplating her words for the better part of the day trying to detail just where my voids are and what I am filling them with. I guess I have also been wondering what caused my voids. Asking these questions causes me to go deep within myself, within my past to some places that I don't really want to go. In all honesty I can admit that I have filled in my blanks with one-sided relationships, alcohol, weed and any other temporary thing that helped me to get through. But I guess now in retrospect I have grown mentally, physically, and emotionally tired of filling in my own blanks. The things, people, or emotions I have been using as stand ins for the necessary healing are not working anymore. My nights are restless, my days are restless and my sleep doesn't satisfy me anymore. In acknowledging the fact that I am operating at halfmast, I am praying that the Creator will direct to me to the answers to the questions my soul is asking. Remember when you were in school and your teacher would give you a test asking you a question about material you should already know? There would be a blank space beside the question that you were to fill in. If you had studied and knew your subject, you could easily fill in the blanks. But if you hadn't paid attention, or hadn't studied, you were out of gas. I feel that there aren't any questions to go along with my blanks. I don't even know where to look for the answers. Is this an open book test? Am I being graded on a curve? I see the voids. I know they are there. I will go so far as to say I know where they came from. But now what?
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